


surest thing i know

by yanak324



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: And not sorry for the satc references, Dan POV, F/M, Light Angst, Nate and Dan are still bros, Nostalgia, Post-Canon, a bit of redemption, a bit of romance, and a whole bunch of introspection, and trying to be better, basically my attempt to deal with my feelings after a rewatch, because i can't help myself, but mostly refalling in love, hints of Dair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 18:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30026115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yanak324/pseuds/yanak324
Summary: It’s not exactly a revelation to him that he doesn’t belong on the Upper East Side and maybe it’s time to stop pretending he does.After Gossip Girl is revealed, Dan tries to grow up and move on.
Relationships: Dan Humphrey/Serena van der Woodsen
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	surest thing i know

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a Dair shipper through and through, so imagine my surprise when upon finishing a rewatch, my muse couldn't let go of this idea. I blame her and you can too, but also thank you for reading. This is the most fun I've had writing in many, many months. 
> 
> I don't own any characters or the song lyrics in the beginning of this - those belong to the Goo Goo Dolls.

xxx

_"When the lines are blurry  
And they're tearing at your heart  
You don't have to worry  
'Cause I loved you from the start."_

xxx

The last night Dan spends in his barely lived in apartment is after Blair and Chuck’s wedding.

As he lays awake, stroking Serena’s hair and staring up at the uninspiring red ceiling, he realizes that this place doesn’t feel at all like home. 

In fact, the only thing that feels remotely homey about it is the woman lightly snoring besides him. 

It’s not exactly a revelation to Dan that he doesn’t belong on the Upper East Side - no matter how many deplorable choices he’s made to get here. 

And he’s tired of pretending that he does. 

He decides to call his realtor first thing in the morning; and seals it with a kiss to Serena’s forehead.

She stirs almost immediately, having always been a somewhat finicky sleeper, and Dan can’t help but smile; then grimace when Serena accidentally elbows him in his ribs.

“Sorry,” she rasps out in that soft, sleep contended voice and he instantly realizes that he’s not.

He’s not sorry for any of it. Not if it means it led him to this moment, back to having her in his arms again. 

Remembering that he can, Dan tilts his mouth down to kiss her, tracing the shape of her sleepy smile with his tongue. 

They haven’t done much more than this yet, and he’s fine with it. 

They’ve had enough meaningless sex to last them a lifetime; and this time it has to mean something.

_Sink or swim, right?_

“What’s next then?” Serena asks when her lips are free again, glancing up at him with eyes that still glimmer in the dark. 

It occurs to Dan that despite all the mistakes she’s made in the last year – one major one that he was a victim of, Serena has changed, has grown the most out of all of them.

And all he really wants is to be with her. 

He reaches down to tuck a loose strand of golden hair behind her ear and smiles. 

“I think now we date.”

xxx

He settles on a two-bedroom loft in Chelsea. It’s not as spacious as the one he grew up in but it’s entirely his own and Dan loves it immediately. 

It’s also halfway between Brooklyn and Upper Manhattan - still the two points where his life seems to intersect the most. 

He signs the lease on the spot and there's a moment when Serena offhandedly mentions all the boxes she has yet to unpack that Dan contemplates asking her to move in with him. 

They’re nowhere near ready for that though and he knows she would agree if he asked. With her, he doesn’t have to guess; doesn’t need to read between the lines. 

Serena doesn’t skirt around what she wants, doesn’t lay breadcrumbs to trap him in. That’s the talent of another woman who used to be in his life. 

The only one who was ever capable of putting Serena completely out of his mind.

They talk about Blair only once. Late one night in the new place. 

“It’s weird, you know,” he admits, while dragging a palm up Serena’s naked back. 

“Being with Blair felt like it’s own entity. I knew how it looked to everyone else. But to me, it was just our world, you know?” 

And it’s truly testament to how far Serena has come that she nods without hesitation, a wistful smile taking over her satiated expression.

“Well that’s the thing about Blair; she’s always had a hard time accepting her own uniqueness.” 

And that’s the thing about _Serena_. She’s never had to fight to belong. 

Not like he or Blair have had to. 

But whereas that mattered to 16 year old Dan, it doesn’t so much to the 21 year old version of him. For the first time in five years, he can honestly say he only wants one woman, regardless of what world they're in. 

“Let’s promise not to let our past come between us this time.” 

He must look comically serious as he suggests this because Serena breaks into a delighted grin and captures his face between her palms. 

“You’re talking to the queen of skeletons in the closet,” she says before leaning down to kiss him sweetly and Dan decides he doesn’t want to talk about Blair or anyone else for the rest of the night. 

xxx

Their last first time together is as unplanned as they are. 

There’s no made up winter wonderland and Serena doesn’t unwrap herself like a present. 

But there’s still a bit of wonder in her eyes as she straddles Dan on the edge of her bed and firmly tells him that she wants him. 

“Your parents are in the next room,” he says even as his hand slides up her thigh.

Serena rolls her eyes, already reaching for the bottom of his sweater. 

“My mom’s got at least twenty more minutes of scolding in her. Not that I blame her but -“ 

William accidentally let it slip that they’re engaged and Lily looked ready to murder him. Maybe because she’s scared, or because she doesn’t want it getting back to Rufus so quickly. 

Dan doesn’t know and doesn’t care; especially not while Serena’s in his lap, her short, flouncy skirt high up enough to reveal the blue lace underneath. 

“I don’t think I’m going to need that long.”

He traces over the material with his thumb, and Serena’s half-choked gasp wraps right around his chest and tugs all the way down, inciting him to flip her over.

Then she’s lying underneath him in a halo of gold, all long legs and smooth skin and still every bit the girl he fantasized about in high school. 

But somehow even better. 

“You sure you don’t want to go back to my apartment? Where you know it’s a lot _quieter_.” 

“It can happen there later too,” she agrees breathily, arching her hips just so.

“But first here.” 

Her cerulean eyes stay on his for a moment, and Dan gets it. 

She needs to make new memories in this room, on this bed almost as much as he does. 

So Dan leans down and slants his mouth over hers and touches her flushed skin, and makes love to her like he should have the last time he was here. 

Like he did years ago on a secluded Hamptons beach with the stars dancing above him and behind his eyelids while Serena moaned his name into his neck. 

They end up back at his apartment eventually but not before stopping by a store and loading up on champagne and cheap wine.

They throw the former in the fridge and drink the latter straight from the bottle after having slow lazy sex on the living room floor. 

He spells out _I love you_ into her bare skin after. Serena kisses him with a mouth full of wine and doesn’t say anything in return. 

Dan supposes on that front they’re even. 

xxx

Between classes, he starts writing for _The Spectator_. 

At first, it’s just a column or two a month, the odd over-embellished movie review or exhibit critique; never anything serious. 

Until Nate convinces him to open his ask box. 

There’s all the usual junk at first - some strange revival of the “We hate Dan Humphrey” fan club and the occasional flailing endorsement that sounds suspiciously like something Georgina would write. 

But amidst all this are emails from actually genuine people, asking for real life advice, because for some reason, they think Dan has the answers. 

Over breakfast for dinner one night, he reads a few of them to Serena. 

There’s one from a fashion intern who doesn’t know how to tell her boss she’s burnt out.

Another from a guy whose parents are on their second divorce and are using him and his sister as leverage. 

There’s even one from a kid who doesn’t know how to tell his parents that he doesn’t want to go to college.

“You know what you have to do, right?” Serena looks at him with just the right amount of glint in her eye.

“What?” 

“You have to start an advice column.” 

She says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world - and maybe it is. 

Because when he pitches it to Nate, it takes his friend approximately two seconds to agree to it. 

“Dan, this is genius. It’ll totally help establish _The Spectator_ as more than a tabloid newspaper. Was this your idea?” 

“No, actually it was Serena’s.” 

And it’s not that hard for Dan to admit that. 

“Well, she’s got a knack for it, man.”

“Yeah, she does.” 

Dan echoes the sentiment in what he thinks is a casual way but Nate immediately looks at him like he’s full of shit. 

“Dude, I thought we had a pact.” 

“What pact?” 

“The ‘no falling for Serena again’ pact. It just occurred to me that you totally broke that.” 

And it’s obvious Nate is joking. He is probably happiest for Dan, because he understands what it’s like to want Serena. To be so in love with her that everything feels just a little muted without her. 

Or maybe that’s just how Dan feels about her. 

“Yeah I guess I did.” He finally answers half a block later. 

And it’s not so hard to admit to that either. 

xxx

By the beginning of his second semester, he feels like he’s finally hit his stride. 

Between all the interruptions of his personal life, Dan doesn’t have nearly enough credits to graduate with his year, but the end is in sight. 

And his column - which has become _The Spectator’s_ most popular feature - makes him feel like he’s writing for more than just a grade. 

Even better, it’s the first year that Serena and he spend the holidays together without it ending in total disaster. 

They’re with his dad on Christmas Eve; just the three of them because his mom gets Jenny this year. 

Rufus cooks a feast big enough for four at least. As though he’s still expecting someone to fill that seat next to him. 

This occurs to Dan some time around his dad’s third retelling of the same twenty-year-old story featuring Lily and their wild tour days, and he doesn’t even realize he’s grabbed Serena’s hand under the table until she squeezes back.

She laughs at the appropriate moments, charming Rufus as usual, but her eyes drift to Dan’s every so often and she looks at him like she knows exactly what’s running through his mind right now. 

And she doesn’t make a big deal of it. 

Just like Dan doesn’t make a big deal of it the next day when Lily spends a little too much time at Christmas brunch grilling him about his dad’s well being. 

“Why do you even care?” is what Dan wants to ask; but then he spots Serena from across the room, and realizes it doesn’t matter.

He’ll be damned if they repeat their parents' mistakes. 

He ends up reassuring Lily that Rufus is fine, because eventually his dad will be. 

Just like Dan knows he and Serena aren’t going to break up this time.

She was right when she told him they were forever. 

xxx

That doesn’t mean their relationship is easy. 

They work on it. Make an effort to face issues head on instead of letting them fester like they did the last time they were together. 

Which is why it doesn’t take Dan very long to notice that something is going on with Serena.

There’s an edginess about her for weeks, so at odds with how absolutely still New York City becomes at the turn of the new year. 

She still spends most of her free time at his loft and even when she’s not there, she sometimes slips into his bed in the middle of the night, but it’s not the same. She’s still cold somehow and Dan knows it can’t last forever. 

He wakes one night to the feeling of hands kneading into his tense shoulders. He’s stiff all over from falling asleep at his desk again and he welcomes the touch along with the soft curtain of hair tickling his side. 

“Serena -“ 

He turns his head to address her but of course all it does is make it easier for her to reach his mouth. 

Her kiss sends a jolt right down his middle, that electric current feeling that Dan’s always associated with her. 

He tries to pull away but his attempt is weak at best; and Serena seems intent on not letting him go, kissing a wet trail down his neck as she works his shirt off. 

When she’s got it passed his shoulders, she leans back, fingers dragging down his bare chest as blue eyes search his face in a silent plea to let her have this. 

And it’s all Dan can do then not to yank too roughly on her hair as he surges up to kiss her again. 

It’s been so long since they’ve been this desperate - this needy - for each other, he blocks everything but Serena out. The milky skin of her thighs, the wet slide of her tongue, the perfect heat of her everywhere, all around him. 

Afterwards, she lies quietly against him, a stiffness in her back that shouldn’t be there after two orgasms. 

Dan’s just about worked up the energy - and courage - to confront her when Serena sits up unexpectedly in his lap. 

The expression on her face is like a knife to the heart.

“What’s wrong?” He asks at the same time as she says, “I feel like I’m going nowhere.” 

And then they’re silent again. Or rather Serena is; Dan just tries not to panic. 

“Hey, why do you say that?” 

“I’m scared you won’t understand,” she admits, and Dan feels it in his throat. 

“Why would you think I wouldn’t?” 

His question hangs unanswered. 

“Need I remind you that I once let Georgina Sparks run my life for an entire summer. If that’s not rock bottom, I really don’t know what is.” 

That earns him a light laugh, but it’s nowhere near enough to diffuse the tension, so he tries again. 

“We both know I’m an excellent listener. Just talk to me, please?” 

That seems to coax something out of Serena, her gaze flickering nervously to his as her fingers trace over his heart. 

“Even when you were at rock bottom, you were still writing. Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been a writer, Dan. Same with Blair. She’s always known she wanted to be in fashion, even if she wasn’t always honest about it. Hell, even Nate has found his calling. And sometimes I feel like all I’ll ever be good at is getting photographed by paparazzi.”

“Do you really believe that?” 

“I don’t want to, but my track record kind of speaks for itself. Don’t you think?” 

The truth is, he hasn’t been thinking about this at all. 

He’d just assumed she was content spending time with her family, getting to know her father while she figured out what to do next. 

And maybe the old Serena would have been, but that’s not who she is anymore. And maybe, Dan should have paid more attention to that.

“Want to know what I actually think?” He asks now, deciding to not waste any more time. 

“I think you’re Serena van der Woodsen and you are exceptional.” 

His fingers weave into her hair, wishing he could make her believe what he’s saying. 

“You can do basically anything and I know that’s terrifying but if anyone can tackle it, it’s you.”

Serena’s face softens then - some of the worry lines disappearing but not all of them. 

“You seem a little too sure of that.” 

She pulls her lip between her teeth and Dan doesn’t fight his instinct to gently free it with this thumb, lingering there as he looks her dead in the eye. 

“You’re the surest thing there is, Serena. At least to me.” 

She doesn’t say anything back, but she’s much more relaxed when she lays her head back on his shoulder. 

And Dan feels like they’ve just overcome a major roadblock without even realizing. 

xxx

The turn of the season brings something out in both of them. 

A fresh determination in Serena. And an unexpected burst of creativity for Dan. 

There are days when all he does is write. Days that start and end with a pot of coffee and him hunched over his typewriter like it’s his lifeline. 

If it weren’t for Serena coaxing him out, he doubts he would see the light of day otherwise. 

It’s during one of these enforced outings that she brings up her future again. They’re sitting on a bench in Washington Square Park, remnants of their lunch from Mamoun’s in a pile between them. 

“I think I was most afraid that I wouldn’t love something like you love your writing,” she admits contemplatively while licking hummus off her thumb, and it’s such a Serena thing to do, Dan can’t help but feel the warmth of affection spiral his every nerve. 

“What changed then?” 

“I remembered that I have felt that before. And that I am determined to find my way back to it.” 

She doesn’t say anything else, just gives him a wide grin and tips her head back to bask in the mid-afternoon sun. As much as Dan wants to know more, he decides to keep his mouth shut and join her instead. 

“You probably shouldn’t aspire to my level of obsession. If it weren’t for you, I’d have become a vampire by now.” 

“Good thing you have me then,” Serena says without moving. 

And he couldn’t agree more. 

xxx

For their one year anniversary, they go to the Hamptons for the weekend. 

Dan wants to rent a car; Serena suggests they take the Jitney and he can’t help but be convinced into it. 

It’s not the ride either of them had hoped for. The AC stops working after an hour and the bus gets a flat tire, but they keep each other entertained making up stories about their fellow passengers. 

And later, they take advantage of an empty house to skinny dip in the pool and make out on the lounge chairs until they’re dry enough to go back inside. 

The next day they go for a walk, and Dan thinks about how lucky he is all over again. 

Everything he loves about the Hamptons is right there, including Serena in a criminally short sundress, hand warm in his as they walk through the mostly empty pre-season town. 

She looks so beautiful like this, so carefree, Dan has the terrifying thought that maybe she doesn’t belong on the Upper East Side any more than he does. 

She’s much better suited to being on a beach somewhere with a warm breeze and sunshine buoying her every move.

It’s a fleeting thought; one that’s easily chased away by Serena’s smile, and her unabashed laugh, and the scent of the ocean mixed in with her coconut shampoo.

It briefly crosses his mind again when he wakes the next morning to her sitting on top of him, a piece of paper pressed to his chest. 

Dan picks it up, recognizes the NYU letterhead and then instantly looks up at Serena. 

“The last time I felt truly happy was on a movie set. So I thought why not, right?” 

And the only sign that she is nervous is that little tilt in her voice, the one that usually triggers some caveman part of him. The urge to protect her. 

There’s a little bit of that but mostly it’s pride that settles warm and low in his stomach as Dan tugs her down and tucks her hair behind her ear. 

“This is perfect. We can commute together.” 

That earns him an elbow to his side and then a sloppy, messy kiss. At the tail end of it, Dan keeps her close, brushing his thumb across her bottom lip like a pendulum. 

“What do you really think about me applying?” Serena asks quietly into the small space between their faces. 

And something inside him borderline aches at the vulnerability in her voice. He’s aware of just how much he holds in this moment and it’s exhilarating in a wholly different way. 

Incomparable to any adrenaline rush he’s ever had. 

But it’s easy too; easy to lean up and kiss the tip of her nose, to catch her ocean gaze and convey silently everything his literary heart can’t put into words. 

“I think you are going to make brilliant movies someday and if the Tisch admissions can’t see that, then they’re fools.” 

Of course, they’re not. And three months later, when Serena gets her acceptance letter, Dan isn’t remotely surprised. 

“Well that makes two of my girlfriends then,” he teases and only narrowly escapes getting swatted.

xxx

The night before their classes start, Blair goes into labor. 

Dan is a little tired and a lot stressed, which only contributes to the raised tension in the waiting room. 

All of it melts away when Chuck emerges to announce that he is the proud father of a boy, and that both mom and baby are doing great. 

It’s been two years since Dan dated Blair, almost as long since they’ve had something resembling a friendship; but seeing Chuck’s smiling face - happiness practically oozing out of him - dissolves whatever Dan was holding onto from that relationship. 

There’s no way of knowing what could have happened if Blair hadn’t chosen Chuck, but as long as she is happy, he has to let it go. 

When the offer comes around, he doesn’t go in to meet Henry, and nobody presses him on it.

Instead Dan wanders the halls, thinking about Milo, and his chubby rosy cheeks and how he must be talking up a storm by now. 

He stumbles upon the nursery and thinks about the last time he was here, Serena warm at his shoulder as they traded playful barbs and skirted the edge of something more. 

As if on cue, she appears around the corner, a trench coat belted over the t-shirt and shorts she’d been lounging in when they got the call. 

On anyone else, the Sex Pistols logo peeking out from beneath the famous Burberry plaid would look utterly ridiculous but Serena makes it work; makes it look effortless, stunning. 

It’s only natural then that Dan’s mind wanders there. To the places he hasn’t dared to visit in far too long. 

Before other women and their babies turned his world upside down, there had been Serena, and the possibility of a future together, a family. 

It felt so out of reach then but it doesn’t now; and he knows that by the way his throat goes just a little dry and his heart speeds up as she practically crashes into him. 

“Oh Dan, he is beautiful; and Blair did so well.” 

The fine sheen of tears in Serena’s eyes makes them sparkle like diamonds; and it’s almost a reflex to wrap his arms around her, soak up all that enthusiasm and warmth, and think _someday that’s going to be you and me._

xxx

Predictably, Serena takes to NYU like a fish to water. 

She makes friends in every single class and not just people to go clubbing with.

People who invite her to film screenings and open mic nights and parties at their tiny off campus apartments; where they debate the merits of original versus adapted screenplays over boxed wine and chips and salsa. 

Dan tags along to one of these shindigs, and the raw enthusiasm in the room seems to evade him. 

He feels like he’s on the outside looking - unable to pull himself back into that college mindset. 

Serena though, Serena’s at the center of it, soaking it all up and reflecting it right back into the crowd; drawing everyone in like she’s known to do. 

“It’s so different,” she muses later that night as they walk home, “people being interested in what I have to say instead of what I’m wearing.” 

And Dan can’t take that away from her. He doesn’t want to be the guy who is jealous of his girlfriend. He’s been him before. Many times. 

It didn’t end well.

That doesn’t stop the insecurity from flaring up occasionally. A voice that sounds suspiciously like Georgina, whispering _you’ll never be like them, no matter how hard you try._

In the spring, he’d been so certain that he’d have a first draft of a book finished by now. 

But his writing had stalled as his final semester started and now he can’t even find it in himself to open up a word doc, let alone pull out his typewriter. 

When Nate tells him that he’s considering selling _The Spectator_ , Dan feels like the rug is pulled from under his feet. 

It’s not like he intended to write his column forever but it was the only bit of certainty he had for his post-college future. 

With it gone, the familiar tendrils of defeat start to seep in, leaving him just as adrift as he’d felt that summer in Rome.

So Dan does the only thing he can think of and asks Nate if he wants to get high.

A headache greets him the next morning, mollified only slightly by the sight of Serena when he rolls onto his back.

“Had a good night?” she teases from her perch atop Nate’s coffee table. The one littered with all the evidence of why Dan feels like hell has warmed over. 

But he’s not looking at that. 

Instead, it’s long legs encased in tight black leather that catch his attention. 

He turns on his side, lays a hand on her knee. 

“Nate here?” 

“No, he left to the office.” 

There’s the lift of an eyebrow, barely perceptible and Dan decides he likes her like this the most - daylight exposing even the smallest mystery of her face. 

It makes it so much more gratifying when she- 

Serena’s mouth lands on his, a burst of freshness against his chapped lips, and he doesn’t waste time, pulling her down by the back of her leg. 

She topples over him with a laugh, but then shifts and the moan that escapes her as their bodies align hits Dan somewhere in the base of his spine.

The pounding between his temples becomes a distant memory as he buries his fingers in her hair and dips his tongue inside her mouth.

She tastes good, familiar, but also like coffee; the exact blend Dan keeps at home, and guilt turns his stomach. 

Serena had been at his place, maybe even spent the night there, while he let his phone die in a cloud of smoke and scotch. 

He guides her away from his mouth as soon as the thought crosses his mind.

She’s gazing down on him, with heaving breath and eyes vaguely hinting at disappointment but as soon as he speaks, her entire demeanor changes. 

“I could do this forever but we should talk.” 

“Okay, but I’m hungry.” She warns with an easy smile, and doesn’t even shove him playfully when he quips back, “when are you not?”

xxx

They go to Zabar’s because it’s close by and has the strongest coffee within a ten-block radius. 

It’s a crisp, clear day, and every time the wind picks up, orange and yellow leaves pour from the trees like confetti.

At an intersection, Dan brushes a few out of Serena’s hair and she leans over to kiss him, a slightly anxious swipe of her lips. 

The light changes and she tugs him across the street to the park entrance, but Dan can’t wait that long. 

“Nate told me he might be selling _The Spectator_.” 

“Oh wow.” 

“Yeah.” 

He exhales in relief; glad Serena understands the enormity of this without him having to explain. 

But he doesn’t stop there.

He admits to how shitty he’s been feeling. How the fear of the unknown has somehow worsened his writer’s block, and how for the first time in his life, he’s truly uninspired by New York City.

She stops walking when Dan says that, pulling him back to get his attention. 

“Move to LA with me then.” 

He stops too, completely thrown off by her nervous smile, and by her request. 

“What?” 

He’d ask her to repeat herself but he doubts it would make a difference. 

“Remember the exchange program I applied to. The one at UCLA.” 

Her hopeful face flashes Dan back to the past; a hot summer night sprawled out on his living room floor. Serena in tiny silk shorts that made her legs seem endless as she read him her application essay.

He wants to tell her that of course he remembers. He wants to grab her and kiss her and do something stupid like twirl her around. 

But all he manages is to drop her hand so he can run his fingers through his hair, and gape at her in confusion.

“Dan, Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine,” he spits out, and then - because his brain to mouth filter seems to be malfunctioning - follows it up with one of the dumbest things he can say. 

“It’s just a lot. You asking me that. My life is here.” 

And it pretty much unravels from there.

One thing Dan has learned about Serena in the past year and a half is that she has a far lower tolerance for bullshit now. Especially his bullshit. 

So he’s not surprised that she calls him out for being a coward. For being afraid to try something new even when he’s clearly in a rut. 

Spitefully, Dan tells her he’s sorry he doesn’t think running away is the answer like she usually does; and that’s where Serena draws the line.

She doesn’t wait for him to apologize, spinning on her heel almost immediately and leaving him alone with regret souring his stomach. 

He doesn’t follow her, but he also doesn’t repeat last night’s mistakes, going straight home and into the shower.

He hopes the hot water will help unmuddle his mind, but all he can think about is the last time he and Serena were in here together.

They didn’t even do anything; just talked while he washed her hair and she massaged the knots out of his back. 

The idea of never having that again makes the nausea return, makes the skin rise on his arms, panic spreading through him in a wave of heat and then cold.

He doesn’t bother drying his hair before escaping back into the cold October morning. 

Five years ago, he would have brooded the day away, locked himself up with an angry record or an old movie. 

Dan knows he’d talked a big game then but was just as insecure as everyone else. When it came to Serena, it got worse over time. The carefree spirit he’d come to love in her began pressing down on him until he snapped. 

Until he had to admit that it was too hard for him to be in a relationship with someone who shone as brightly as Serena. 

And maybe back then it had been, maybe he needed all the years apart - and the fuck ups - to realize what he truly wanted. 

To be with the same girl who took his breath away the first time he saw her at a party he wasn’t supposed to be at. 

Serena’s curled up on her bed when Dan finds her, looking both out of sync and strangely at home on the plush cream-colored duvet.

“I thought I told Vanya not to let you up.” She comments without so much as lifting her head off the pillow. 

“What can I say, the guy is a romantic. Plus I’m pretty sure he likes me a little extra because I know how to make a decent bowl of borscht.” 

The joke doesn’t land but she doesn’t tell him to leave either, so Dan takes a cautious step into the room. 

“Listen, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry about this morning. I want to blame it on the hangover but that was an idiot move too. So really I’m just an idiot all around and I completely understand if you want nothing to do with me right now but -” 

“Dan.”

It’s only when Serena cuts him off that he realizes he’s rambling. She’s still looking at him with mild frustration but there’s affection there too. 

It feels like the signal he needs to sit down on the edge of her bed and reach for her hand. 

“I don’t think I ever told you this but the summer you went off to Paris with Blair, I was going to fly to France to tell you that I loved you, that I wanted you to choose me. Then Georgina showed up, pregnant.” 

Something like lamentation passes across Serena’s face, and Dan desperately wants to kiss it away. 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

He doesn’t really know why but he thinks he might have an inkling.

“Because I want to be the guy who stands by his word when he says he would drop everything to be with you. And maybe LA is not where I saw myself but if that’s where you are, then that’s where I’m going to be too.” 

The moments of silence that ensue feel like purgatory but then Serena smiles - albeit barely - and shifts herself until her leg is pressed up against his and Dan feels like he can breathe a little easier. 

“It’s only for a few months.” She reminds him while sliding her arms around his neck. 

The excitement that is slowly returning to her face tells a different story. 

Dan finds that he doesn’t altogether hate the idea. 

xxx

Blair laughs so loudly over the phone, he hears her from the other room. 

_“Humphrey in LA? I wonder how long before he turns vegan and stops showering.”_

Dan wants to be annoyed but ends up smirking to himself. He hadn’t actually considered either of those possibilities before. 

xxx

Nate’s reaction is a little more tactful. And a little sad. 

“LA, man. That’s huge.” 

“Tell me about it.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way. But I never really pictured you in California.” 

Dan’s been waiting for Nate to say it, could feel it on the tip of his tongue at least two avenues ago. The need to defend himself is not there though. 

“A change of scenery might be nice,” he puts diplomatically at first, but knows it’s not all of it. 

“Plus it’s -“ 

“Serena.” Nate finishes for him, and Dan has a sudden case of deja vu. 

It feels very much like an exchange they’ve had before; and one they might have in the future. 

Their shared history in this space is never going away, and Dan kind of has to roll with it. 

“Hey maybe you can come visit us? If you’re selling _The Spectator_ , you’re bound to have some time on your hands.” 

Nate’s face splits into a wry smile and it erases whatever tension was hanging over them. 

“About that...” 

xxx

Nate doesn’t sell _The Spectator_ after all. With the help of some forward thinking investors, he expands the paper instead; a branch in DC, dedicated entirely to covering politics. 

His flight out is on New Year’s Day, a few hours before Serena and Dan’s and they all get together the night before to wish him luck. 

At one point, Dan looks around and realizes this might be the last time in a while that the non-judging Breakfast club (plus him) is in the same room together. 

The twinge of sadness that follows is unexpected; some weird sense of nostalgia kicking in. 

It’s the only explanation for why Dan lets himself be roped into a group photo later. Why he doesn’t mind throwing an arm over Nate _and_ Chuck when Serena yells “cheese” and plants a sloppy kiss to Blair’s forehead. 

The new parents don’t make it past ten pm and Nate has a friend he’d like to say goodbye to in private. 

So midnight finds Dan and Serena with a pilfered bottle of champagne and the buzz of the city streets around them. 

He pops the cork perfectly in time with the ball drop and doesn’t even think about it. When they’re together, these things just sort of happen. 

Dan used to think it was magic; some effortlessness of Serena’s that he’d absorbed by association. 

Now he knows it’s just because she brings out the best in him, pulling him into the light alongside her. 

And without the Upper East Side, and meddling ex-friends, and formerly in love parents, there’s no reason to hide from the truth. 

“Marry me,” he whispers in between champagne soaked kisses, and doesn’t give Serena enough time to react. 

“Not right now, but someday. Promise me we’ll grow old together.” 

And Serena could very easily freak out, or laugh it off. But she doesn’t, and Dan loves her for that. 

Almost as much as he does for how easily she slides her arms around his neck and kisses him in response. 

They don’t get home until five am. Dan finds he doesn’t mind if this is the last memory he has of New York City for a little while. 

xxx

They don’t move back for three years. 

There are visits back and forth. Henry’s first and second birthdays. Rufus’s super lowkey wedding. Lily and Williams’s over the top one. 

And smatterings of other trips they take solo. 

During one of these, Dan takes a meeting with the new editor at _The Spectator_ , a woman named Madison. She’s sharp, stylish and from what he’s seen, has a keen eye for staying ahead of the game. 

Which is likely why it doesn’t totally register with him when she asks if he’s ever considered turning his column into a book. 

“What? Like Carrie Bradshaw?” He asks, and immediately considers that he should stop letting Serena control what TV they watch. 

“No, Mr. Humphrey. More like a collection of short stories.”

She ignores him and Dan is glad for that - even if he’s having trouble processing what she is suggesting. 

“I have a friend in publishing who reads your column and thinks there’s potential there. They might not be as well established as you’re used to-“ 

What Dan is used to is his book being published against his will. What he’s used to is the occasional freelance job and the rest of his time spent tutoring spoiled Hollywood-bred children. 

What Dan is used to is his ego, which he forces himself to check in this moment. 

“Dan, are you with me?” 

“Yes,” he says without hesitation. 

And then he says yes to everything else. 

xxx

It’s all so surreal he doesn’t even tell Serena until he gets back to LA. 

His flight is miserably delayed and it’s just after midnight when he lies down beside her in their bed, on top of the covers because he hasn’t even bothered to change.

“You’re home,” she mutters sleepily and the words slip out without Dan having to think about them. 

“An independent publishing house in New York wants to turn my column into a book.” 

In the process of turning around, Serena nearly takes out his eye but it doesn’t matter, because then she’s looking at him with a mix of elation and surprise and the relief washes over him instantly. 

“Oh my god, Dan. That’s amazing.” 

“It is, isn’t it?” he muses more to himself than to her, but Serena nods anyway, and kisses his cheek sweetly. 

And if Dan hadn’t known how much he’d had riding on her reaction, he would now, because the nerves he felt on the flight over just aren’t there anymore. 

So he leans down and kisses her, and then groans into her mouth when she pushes him onto his back and climbs on top of him.

“I should shower. I smell like plane,” he murmurs against her lips but makes no move to separate. 

Serena smirks and reaches for his hands, pinning their laced fingers above his head.

“Or you could stay here and let me show you what I’ve been thinking about the last few nights I’ve been alone in bed.” 

She doesn’t wait for him to answer, dropping her lips to his neck and her hand to his belt. 

“Yes, that’s a much better idea,” is all Dan can manage before all rational thought slips out of his mind. 

xxx

It takes a year for his second book - _Essays for the Other Crowd_ \- to be published. 

Dan writes a forward in which he clearly stipulates that these stories are works of fiction; merely inspired by the real brave people who wrote to him - all of whom he dedicates the book to.

The release takes place in an art gallery that’s vaguely reminiscent of the one his dad used to own, and Dan wonders if maybe that’s why he’s so relaxed tonight. 

Or it might just be that his entire inner circle is here of their own volition and at the center of it all, Serena shines the brightest. 

She’d taken the red eye in this morning but still manages to look like a complete knock out, wearing a sparkly silver dress that Dan can’t stop admiring from his spot by the bar. 

That’s how Blair finds him, scoffing as she sets her empty martini glass down next to his melting scotch. 

“Why don’t you guys just get married already?” 

He tears his eyes away from Serena to regard the brunette. 

“Hello to you too, Blair.” 

“I mean the way you stare at each other,” she makes a face, continuing as if he hasn’t said anything. 

“It’s pathetic. why don’t you get it over with and ask. I’m sure she’ll say yes.” 

Dan considers her for a moment, watches how effortlessly she signals the bartender for a refill while chewing him out; and despite his better judgement, he asks the question. 

“How are you so sure Serena even wants to get married?” 

Dark brown eyes narrow at him. Eyes that used to mean the world to him. Eyes he doesn’t recognize anymore. 

“It’s you, Humphrey. Of course she wants to get married. She’s been in love with you since we were 16.” 

It’s so simple the way she says it, and maybe it is, but Dan’s saved from contemplating it first by the bartender delivering Blair’s drink and then by Serena, just loose limbed enough to suggest that she’s a bit tipsy. 

“There you are,” she exclaims, draping her arms over him, “you can’t play the wallflower at your own launch party. Tell him, B.” 

Blair turns to him, a tight-lipped smile full of intent. 

“Yeah, Humphrey. Stop being such a wallflower and do _something_.” 

Dan does his best to avoid her for the rest of the night. 

xxx

Blair’s words aren’t as easy to avoid. They follow him from city to city; from hotel room to hotel room; from one book signing to the next. 

Dan tries to shelve them aside, to stay present in the moment because unlike his last tour, people actually show up this time. 

And yet every night, in whatever city he is, he can’t help but come back to the same thought. 

Why hasn’t he asked Serena to marry him? 

It doesn’t completely hit him until late one night. 

He can’t sleep and there’s a special on PBS about the architectural history of New York City. 

As Dan watches the familiar aerial shots of DUMBO, he realizes just how brutally he misses home. 

Not the two-bedroom in West Hollywood and not even his loft in Chelsea, but the one he grew up in. 

The one he always thought would end up being his eventually. 

Where he might raise his own children. 

It’s a weird revelation to have at two in the morning in a strange city in the Midwest and Dan knows there’s likely no one who would understand him except for Serena. 

When she surprises him two days later in Chicago, he considers it a sign. 

He doesn’t let her out of his hotel room until he’s mapped every inch of her skin and pulled every possible sound from her swollen lips twice over. 

Then they do every touristy thing possible. 

The boat tour on the river, drinks at the Willis Tower lookout, a concert in Millenium Park. 

It’s only when they’re sitting on the curb waiting for a table at some popular burger joint that Dan finally says something.

“I miss New York.” 

It feels very much like a weight is lifted off his shoulders and Serena notices. 

“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” 

“I guess it took being in every other city possible for me to realize it.” 

They share a smile at that. He has been gone for four months - it’s not a total exaggeration but at the same time, Dan knows it’s not the whole truth. 

“Plus, I know how much you love our life in LA and I made a commitment to you-“ 

It doesn’t occur to him until he says it - that that’s exactly what he’d done by following her across the country. He’d chosen her, just like Serena had chosen him when she decided to give him a second chance and maybe that’s why he hasn’t been in such a rush to propose. 

In all the ways that matter, they’re already married. While Dan follows this train of thought, Serena seems to be stuck on the last thing he said.

“What life?” she counters, pivoting towards him. 

“I work 80 hour weeks. You fly out to New York every chance you get,” she pauses then, as if it’s difficult for her to keep going, but she does. 

“Look, I do love LA or rather the opportunities it’s given me but I love us more, and maybe we need to stop fooling ourselves that we’re happy there.” 

Dan doesn’t know which part surprises him more, her quick candor or the expression on her face that’s far too familiar - mostly because it matches the weariness he sees in the bathroom mirror each morning. 

It shouldn't be like this, but he can’t make this decision without her. 

“So what do we do now?” He asks instead and is surprised when Serena loops her arm around his and smiles at him like she’d expected this very question. 

“I think we go home.” 

xxx

It happens like this. 

They’re walking the Brooklyn Bridge one afternoon when Serena decides to stop and take pictures. 

In her haste to dig her phone out, she drops her scarf and when Dan kneels down to pick it up, the box with the ring - the one he’s been carrying around for five months (nearly as long as they’ve been back in New York) digs into his side. 

He looks up to find Serena poised near the ledge, her face tilted at the sun with both Brooklyn and Manhattan as her backdrop and Dan can’t possibly think of a more perfect moment to ask her to marry him. 

Afterwards, Serena drapes her arms over his shoulders and keeps him close - gazing at him with a fine sheen of awe, as though she can’t quite believe this is happening. 

“Pretty bold of you to do this on a bridge,” she teases and it’s so unexpected, Dan can’t stifle his laugh. 

“You’re telling me you would have said no? To such a romantic proposal?” 

There’s humor in his words but it slips away from them, leaving behind something more tender, quieter, something he feels rooted deep in his bones. 

_This is forever_ \- it tells him. 

As does the expression on Serena’s face.

Dan doesn’t wait for her to answer his question before leaning down to kiss her. 

She already said yes to the most important one anyway. 

xxx


End file.
